I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.

I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.

What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.

He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

Why am I like this?

  • xmunk@sh.itjust.works
    106·
    10 days ago

    Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don’t raise objections or cause friction like saying you’re uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.

    Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with “Sorry, I’m in the middle of this can you message me?”

  • Veedem@lemmy.worldEnglish
    69·
    10 days ago

    I once had a co-worker like this named Andrew. One morning, while he scrambled to fill any moments of silence, I told him “Andrew, silence is ok sometimes” and went back to my work. He was significantly less annoying to work with afterwards.

    I probably came off as a bit of a dick, though it wasn’t my intention.

  • robocall@lemmy.world
    485·
    10 days ago

    You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.

  • fine_sandy_bottom@lemmy.federate.cc
    485·
    10 days ago

    These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.

    Just gonna be blunt… meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.

    If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.

    • Mothra@mander.xyz
      101·
      9 days ago

      That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.

      But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.

      • fine_sandy_bottom@lemmy.federate.cc
        21·
        9 days ago

        Of course people can do what they want during their breaks.

        What I’m getting at is, mediation or yoga in the break room is an unusual behavior and well meaning co-workers “just trying to be nice” will enquire after your well being.

        If you don’t want to interact with co-workers on your break, put your head phones on while you play with your phone.

        • Mothra@mander.xyz
          3·
          9 days ago

          I totally see your point, which is why I mentioned this really depends on context. I’ve worked in places where people actually did stretches or meditation during their breaks and nobody cared for it. But I can totally see how that wouldn’t fly in other places.

          Also, from experience - some people will still talk to you even if you have headphones and your attention on the phone.

  • aasatru@kbin.earth
    35·
    10 days ago

    I don’t think there’s any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you’re alright, but that you’re just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it’s nothing personal, but that’s just who you are and you’ll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you’re feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.

  • PrincessLeiasCat@sh.itjust.works
    221·
    10 days ago

    Tell him you have trouble focusing on your work if you stop to talk too often. Tell him you’re trying to finish x, y, z, etc, and after doing that enough hopefully he gets the message.

    • GlenRambo@jlai.luEnglish
      11·
      10 days ago

      Best to be direct. Fake responses just dog deeper paths.

      What are you working on. Oh I’ll help you. Sure I’ll be back on ten. Yeah I’m busy too buy you gotta take breaks. Hey did you catch thst movie.

      If the person is so dense they dont know there bothering somone there not the type of person to get subtle hints.

      • PrincessLeiasCat@sh.itjust.works
        51·
        10 days ago

        I have ADHD, so this is something I genuinely use. It usually works, but I’ve only dealt with this type of person once.

        I had to keep reinforcing it and it was never perfect, but it did get better.

        Happy cake day!

  • Jumi@lemmy.world
    211·
    10 days ago

    Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it’s not your problem.

    • XeroxCool@lemmy.world
      32·
      9 days ago

      He’ll probably be mad, he might try to kill her. The odds of violence after social disagreements are slightly worse for women so most try to avoid being the 1 in 1 million today.

  • hoshikarakitaridia@lemmy.world
    20·
    10 days ago

    Just tell him you don’t talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.

    Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don’t owe friendliness.

    • vladmech@lemmy.world
      8·
      10 days ago

      Gotta be careful with this; I showed a coworker some models I painted once and he loved them and now makes me feel bad because he’ll ask what I’ve done recently and it’s always nothing haha

  • slazer2au@lemmy.worldEnglish
    18·
    10 days ago

    Why am I like this?

    Because different people are different. I am the same. I could not give 2 shits about my coworkers personal lives.

    Us dudes are thick as bricks, put him on the backdoor by using some of these.

    I’m in the middle of something, I wish you would stop interrupting me.

    Dude, stop interrupting me.

    No seriously, if you keep interrupting me I will have to talk to management about it.

  • Sergio@slrpnk.netEnglish
    16·
    10 days ago

    I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

    Imagine someone has a huge booger hanging out of their nose. It might be embarassing that you point it out to them, but it’s a lot more embarassing if they walk around with the booger hanging there. It’s the same with this. If you’re polite but direct, there’s nothing to feel bad about, you’re helping the guy learn where the line is.

  • Krudler@lemmy.worldEnglish
    182·
    9 days ago

    People like him are dangerous.

    For the love of God, do not directly say it to this person, speak to HR or your supervisor and tell them you are feeling harassed at work and can’t do your job.

    If you say anything to the man all he’s going to conclude is that you are against him, and his paranoia will kick in, and he will make problems for you that you can’t anticipate.

    • Myro@lemm.ee
      11·
      6 days ago

      Wtf. Just talk to the person first, and THEN go to HR. Why escalate immediately?