I’m sorry if this post is a bit too long or emotional, but I would really appreciate if someone read it and told me their thoughts. I feel very isolated in my experiences, and I would really appreciate being heard.
I was 18 years old when I made the worst decision of my entire life.
I used to work at a restaurant, and developed worsening upper back pain. I stupidly pushed through it, thinking it wasn’t too big of a deal. One day when I was working, my arms went nearly limp in an instant, and I could barely move them. I went home early, and my parents told me it wasn’t a big deal. I was freaked out, but weakness subsided after a week.
Although not taken until much later, an MRI scan would later reveal a herniated spinal disc at vertebrae C7-T1 making contact with my spinal cord. This event set the stage for the horrors that awaited me.
Whenever I bent my neck over too far or lifted a heavy object, I would have a dull pain in the location of the herniated disc, indicating pressure in the area. One day later, I would get a surge of neurological pain and sensations across my entire body. At first, it was localized to my arms and legs, but then it spread to everywhere else below my neck. These flare-ups were very painful and distressing, and lasted for weeks at a time, before dying down to some minimum constant level of pain.
My parents told me it was no big deal, probably just pinched nerves. Then for class one day, I looked down for 2 hours to take an exam. And one day later, it took over my entire body.
Now, even my face and head were in pain and having random muscle twitches, I developed POTS, I had pain and flashes in my eyes, and my vision became permanently darker. I felt random acceleration, my pupils were rapidly growing and shrinking, I had to pee every 5 seconds, one side of my face began drooping, my throat was twitching, I felt like I had to throw up constantly, and I developed tremors.
Desperate to hold on to this less terrifying pinched nerve theory, I discovered a harrowing implication: the nerves that innervate the face, eyes and vestibular system are attached to the brainstem, not the spinal cord.
I sought medical treatment immediately. All of my vitamin levels checked, all common diseases checked for, like Lyme disease, even more obscure metrics like copper levels. All normal. I finally got to see a neurologist, and he told me it was just small-fiber neuropathy. I asked him about the other issues I had like visual disturbances, the sudden onset of POTS I had just gotten diagnosed with, and the muscle movements (small-fiber is supposed to be sensory and unrelated to spinal injury). He simply waved those away and said that might be something unrelated, despite the fact that it all happened right after I bent my neck and I was completely healthy before all of this. I saw another neurologist, who told me to just listen to the first one.
A spine specialist told me that the spinal cord “still has room to move around,” with regards to the herniated disc being in contact with it, but the fact that pressure there corresponded with a neurological explosion of symptoms the next day, every time and without fail, seems VERY suspicious to me. My PCP also mentioned it as something concerning.
One time, I had an episode of confusion and could barely move my arms and legs, so I went to the emergency room. After waiting 15 hours, they told me to just go home.
Meanwhile, my parents told me I was overexaggerating and my dad even told me I was making it all up for attention. Having gotten extensive tests and being dismissed by doctors and everyone around me for months on end, I just gave up and accepted the outcome, even if it meant death. I had developed extreme anxiety as a result of watching my body’s systems failing every day, so my PCP offered anti-anxiety pills. I took them and tried to forget about everything, telling myself that everything will probably be okay if I just never bend my neck the wrong way ever again. Obviously, not the greatest long-term strategy, but I wanted to return to some semblance of sanity. It was an extremely horrifying and painful experience for months on end, filled with feelings of dread, horror, and betrayal, and I was just so tired at this point.
I am now 21 years old and it has been over 2 years since this all began. Most of my symptoms died down to a low level, but I still occasionally get a new one. (Now, I also suffer from loud auditory hallucinations when trying to sleep.) It seems that the progression hasn’t stopped, only slowed significantly, since I haven’t gotten another flare-up yet.
Considering that I’m not dead yet, I started wondering if I still have a chance to turn this around, maybe at least get surgery to move the disc out of the way. But considering how badly things went 2 years ago, it feels like a very tall order. How do I ensure that doctors look into the issue more instead of giving me an unfitting diagnosis and dismissing the wider context?
Sorry to hear of your struggle. Like others already suggested, keeping a diary with your symptoms can help the diagnostic proces. However the symptoms you list are difficult to pinpoint to one specific neurological problem, assuming you already had an MRI of your head, an EMG and a lumbar puncture.
In my experience doctors can sometimes be very good at what they do, but very bad communicators. The way you can best stand up for yourself is to prepare your visit. Write down the questions that you have. It helps if you can clearly articulate what it is that you want from them. But allow yourself some time to think about this question first. Sometimes, what you need has more to do with being taken seriously, or being reassured nothing bad is going on than having a diagnosis. Keep in mind that although modern medicine has come a long way, we still know very little of the intricate processes of the body. Maybe there isn’t a know diagnosis yet that explains your symptoms. This doesn’t mean that your symptoms aren’t real, they absolutely are! A good doctor should in this case be honest and tell you that they just don’t know, and they are out of testing options. If this is the case they should however try to help you manage your symptoms and get your life back on track. Lastly, consider that there are a set of psychosomatic disorders that can give real physical symptoms, but they should only be considered if other diseases are ruled out first. Read up on them, but don’t let a doctor suggest it without having properly gone through the diagnostic process.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you get better!
All the advice in the other comments is great. Advocate for yourself and don’t give up. Find people who can support you.
As someone that has struggled with mysterious issues as well, I just wanted to say that you’re not exaggerating or over reacting and you’re not alone. You’re doing your best to find help but the system is not working the way it should. Your family is supposed to support you. Your doctors are supposed to work to find a good diagnosis and relieve your symptoms. If they aren’t doing that you will need to do even more work yourself, which sucks. Push them when you can, and if they still aren’t responsive find a different doctor. I know it’s hard, and exhausting, and expensive. But you have your whole life ahead of you, it’s 100% worth it to get this figured out now.
Unfortunately alls I can give you is more uncertainty. My wife has a multitude of issues that we try to get through but one that is floating above us is a very similar back problem. We are old enough to have experienced insurance roulete and when she was young she was in a car accident where a semi accordioned the car she was in. She has issues with both lower and upper spine but at this point we don’t really see any real solution besides fusion. Which we have seen enough issues around that such that we want to avoid it until its just to bad to ignore. So basically as long as she is not in a wheel chair we likely won’t go that direction. She sometimes gets pain shots and out of some desperation she gets chiropractic (insurance will pay for unlimited chiro but limits physical therapy). We get by because we are sinks where I am the bread winner. She can do things in moderation but generally she can’t sit or stand in on position very long and when she does things she is on this clock where if its kept down to an hour she might be okay but if it goes to two there will be repercussions and if its many hours then it can lay her up for days. Essentially she is quasi bed bound where to stay functional she must be in bed more often than not through out the day. Sorry this is not more helpful but maybe it will make you feel a bit better in terms of other people do face issues like this.
As someone who went through something similar, on an empathetic level, this terrifies me enough that I am compelled to ask, what country do you live in? No country should be this bad at diagnosing MS.
United States.
What state?
Can I ask if you’re a woman? The reason I bring that up is how completely dismissive multiple people are of your symptoms. Many women report having that specific reaction, but few men do.
Even if it is “just a pinched nerve”, that’s not a small, ignorable issue. It needs proper medical treatment, or you can suffer greatly from it. Not just from nerve damage, but from whatever is causing the pinch.
I won’t speak to what actual medical condition you might have, but your doctors should be helping you dig into that. You can research potential conditions to discuss with them. An engaged patient might spur them into action. It also helps to give them some ideas if you have something more rare (or not presenting in a common way)
You also probably need to find new doctors. You mentioned that your PCP is on your side, which is a good start. Ask them for more recommendations, particularly for the reason that you are feeling ignored. Also, don’t dismiss the ones that are actually doing tests- I know it’s frustrating that they aren’t finding anything, but they are at least ruling out possibilities. At 21, you really should not have chronic/debilitating illness without a real diagnosis.
(Side note: back surgery is more invasive and life-changing than you would think. Please don’t take that option lightly)
I’m a man, though I suspect my young age and anxiety led to people labeling me as “just another teenager with health anxiety,” which undermined my position, despite how impossibly difficult it was to remain stoic.
As for my parents, that’s generally because I have toxic relationships with them and they are extremely hesitant to consider anything I think and believe. For example, despite my vehement disagreement, they told me that if I got vaccinated for COVID, they would kick me out onto the streets even though I had no financial footing and was struggling with my condition. Having no car or daily routine that would make it feasible for me to get vaccinated behind their backs, I eventually contracted the Delta variant and was forced to endure the full infection. I now have chronic cough.
If you are feeling better, now is the time to have a correct diagnosis. You don’t know if everything goes to shit again, who may end to be on charge of your health. Don’t despair, change doctors until you find someone that takes you seriously.
Sometimes keeping a symptom journal or diary can help your medical providers piece things together. They are only seeing you once for 10-30 minutes, but you’re living in your body and experiencing symptoms way more frequently. Don’t log obsessively, but maybe once a day review your pain (rated 1-5) and write down any noteworthy symptoms or episodes. And as someone else mentioned, get good at condensing your medical “story” to date, including your current symptoms.
Doctors will always go for the simplest explanation, even if it’s wrong. This is how they are trained (in the west, anyway). So don’t give up! Continue insisting on a proper diagnosis. Get another opinion. See a different specialist. If you find it difficult to advocate for yourself, imagine if this was your friend. How many mountains would move to get the same answers for a dear friend? And apply that logic and compassion to yourself. Have a bestie come with you to appointments if they are willing to.
A big part of the “suck” in this process is the not knowing. Will you be in pain forever? Will you get better? Will you get worse? Is it really a mystery illness? Will you ever get a diagnosis? With chronic pain you’ll find yourself exhausted often with the effort required to ignore the pain. So feel the pain sometimes. Lean into it. You may find it’s a relief to feel it instead of trying to block it out.
It’s maybe also worth accepting that these issues may never totally resolve. If they do, great. But what if they don’t? How can you live a happy and fulfilling life (which millions of people do with chronic pain/disability) even if it stays the same?
Lastly, I want to say that you have a separate problem, which is the lack of social support you are getting from your family. They are gaslighting you about your illness - of course you know your body best and are experiencing what you say you are. You are young and may depend on them financially, so that’s a needle you have to thread. But I’d encourage you to spend more time with friends who love and believe you.
If you have access, it’s worth working with a therapist on all of this. From what you’ve described, you have been left all alone to grapple with a disability that no one can even explain. That is an awful lot for someone to hold by themselves. Whatever happens with your illness, I hope you are able to get the love and support you deserve - which may never be offered by your family.
In addition to what others have said, do you maybe have a close, local friend that does understand you? If so, you could maybe go together to the doctor and they could make sure that you properly advocate for yourself. There’s no shame in getting this kind of support, it’s kinda time-critical that you get this health issue sorted as well as possible, don’t necessarily want to wait until you are able to be persistent by yourself. We humans are meant to face struggles together.
That’s not helpful of course if you don’t have someone like this, but I thought I’d mention it.
Thanks for the suggestion, but unfortunately no, I don’t have local friends. My POTS makes it hard for me to be out and about for long periods of time (I get lightheadedness and brain fog after just a few minutes of standing).
I try to be the best friend I can be to myself and live life in the moment. I tell myself that how proud I am of myself and that it’s okay to be scared or sad. When nobody else will tell me these things and when I feel so dehumanized and isolated, I try to treat myself with warmth and compassion where none exists.
I feel grateful that I had the chance to experience life at all. I got to experience so many amazing things - incredible video games, a fulfilling programming hobby, and the cutest of cat pictures. I always wanted to live my life building cool and interesting projects, and I’ve already built a website that well over 100,000 people used, solved problems that nobody else had before, and got my work featured in several videos on YouTube by people I considered celebrities. I shouldn’t be ashamed if a health problem I can’t control cuts my life short, because I did the best I could and kicked major ass while doing so.
I think of the YouTube creators I really enjoyed whose lives were tragically cut short in their 20s. Talented, entertaining, and charismatic individuals who continued their passions and shined brightly until the very end. I think the most humane existence I can give myself, for however much time I have left, is to keep doing what I love too, for as long as I still can.
i had a similar experience, and now i’m permanently disabled and require a mobility aid, and i’m not even 30 yet. the thing that saved me was getting a new PCP who actually believed me and got me in for testing— apparently my lumbar vertebrae look like a crushed pop can. so much of this could’ve been avoided if i had gotten treatment early. if you can, try and find a female doctor, one kind of younger, because in my experience, they’re the ones that will actually listen to you— especially if you’re a woman, or AFAB. if there’s a disability advocacy or support group in your area, or even online, hot them up. they’ll be able to let you know which doctors to avoid, at the very least. if you live in a rural or semi-rural area, you might even have to go into the bigger cities to find a decent one. most of all, you know your fucking body. you know your lived experience. don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking your pain isn’t real, or doesn’t matter. it’s scary and painful to try and find a decent medical provider, and it can feel like you’re stuck searching forever. but there is someone out there that’ll help you. please don’t give up looking.
