going to preface this with, don’t worry about my immediate health or anything. i am not having a psychotic episode of anything like that, i am 100% sober…and…that’s honestly the scariest part for me.
there is a message that finally got through to me, woke me up (wait, motherfucker…is that where “woke” comes from???), something I’v been aware of for a long time now i think, but it got suppressed down for…10 goddamn years… for whatever reason, until now.
now that I’m aware of it, I see it damn near everywhere, almost every majorly acclaimed movie, song, book, poem, fucking everything…
and it’s not like this is some short-term problem either, it’s not going away when trump dies, it’s not even going away if trump dies and the establishment regains control (i have my doubts they can pull this off).
it’s the same goddamn cycle over and over (with slight variations), boom followed by completely deliberate bust, one privacy-overreach followed by another, the same playbook used over and over. and occasionally either end is some random organic act-of-god, which just works to obfuscate the intentional acts.
it’s so large and all encompassing you can’t even be sure which parts are apart of it and which are just…people still asleep just going about their lives.
and now, because this world seems to be ran by a bunch of fucking psychopaths, I’m even more paranoid sober than when I was having a actual mental breakdown
because how the fuck do I trust anyone now?
how do i seperate those that know from those that don’t?
psychopathic assholes from regular assholes?
friend from foe?
hell, how the hell do Ieven confirm that this is real, I know that everyone in my own immediate family is stuck in these little arithmetic bubbles too so i can’t bring it up with them, if i tried they would probably be worried I’m going crazy.
and because of past-me’s mistakes over the years I have no irl friends whatsoever to talk with either, so i guess all I have left is to send this out onto the internet and hope for the best?
I can see you’re going through something really significant and distressing. While I understand you feel certain about what you’re experiencing, some of what you’re describing - the sudden overwhelming perception of hidden patterns everywhere, the intense paranoia about who to trust, and feeling like you can’t determine what’s real - are things that mental health professionals are trained to help people work through.
I’m not saying your observations about systems or power aren’t valid, but the level of distress and the way this realization hit you so suddenly after being ‘suppressed for 10 years’ suggests it would be worth talking to someone qualified to help you sort through what you’re experiencing. A therapist or counselor could help you process these feelings and thoughts in a safe space, regardless of whether this is a mental health concern or just a really overwhelming shift in perspective.
You mentioned feeling isolated and unable to talk to family or friends - that alone is reason enough to reach out to a professional who can provide that support.
i know, have started that process too recently. I’m just not used to feeling things so strongly i guess, and really don’t have anywhere else to turn to at this specific moment.
I’m glad you’re looking into seeing a therapist. It can’t be fun to feel like this. I also feel that some replies in this post are not helping your current state of mind at all.
I can tell you that I have had my own experience with an existential crisis and I found my way through it. I think most people go through some existential crisis at some point in their lives, and sometimes it can really help to have the right support and realize you aren’t alone. 🤗
I also hope you find a way to unplug from the news spiral and maybe even from the internet for awhile. Maybe go on a few walks in nature as well? I have found that it helped me a ton to just put on my shoes and a jacket and start walking when my mind became overwhelmed with the nonstop negativity online. Seeing the seasons change in front of your eyes has a profound healing effect on the mind. Everything slows down a bit and all the things that took up so much importance in your mind start to melt away. Seeing all the mushrooms currently sprouting up from the forest floor and hearing the chirp of a new bird i havent noticed before makes me so friggin excited to be alive. I want that for you as well.
We were never meant to carry the world on our shoulders, my friend. I wish you the absolute best and hope you find your way through. Hugs. ❤️
Are you perchance about 25 years old? A lot of people say they kind of awaken around that age when the frontal lobe has fully developed. Like it’s an overwhelming overnight epiphany of everything.
You can’t just say “perchance”