I think you’re mixing up a lack of specific consent to a specific situation and non-consent. What you’re describing sounds more like free use than CNC. They can overlap, but the venn diagram isn’t a circle.
CNC is an agreement that one partner can act as if they don’t consent or revoke it while actually still consenting. It’s something people who like to be dominated and physically submitted can enjoy without needing to take on the risks involved in finding that for real, since even people who like their boundaries pushed a bit have limits beyond which it stops being enjoyable and could even become traumatizing.
Free use is an agreement that says consent is always implied. It’s nice for those who prefer physical seduction over verbal, or who like sex to go from 0-100 faster than they can realize their partner is initiating.
They can sound similar, but where they can differ is important.
For CNC, consent can usually be revoked using a safeword. “No” doesn’t mean “no” but some other word can. It can be a good idea to have codewords for “more of this”, “stop that specific thing but not everything else”, “slow down”, “pause for a break or talk but I want to resume after”, and “just stop, we’re done”.
For free use, unless there’s a CNC agreement on top of it, “no” still means no. Consent might be implied but can still be revoked.
At their extremes, they are pretty much the same thing, but to assume someone being interested in CNC means you can randomly just do it or that free use means they can’t say no is actually closer to real rape than rape play. And whether it actually crosses the boundary has nothing to do with your intentions but everything to do with how your partner sees the act.
Don’t ever assume anything when it comes to this shit. Even if you were right in your description, your partner might still have a different idea than you do. Talk about it extensively and very specifically, especially concerning boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed during play. Go slow and ease into it. You can always have better sex later if you both decide you want more.
Some people freeze and shut down when something traumatic happens to them, so going all out from the start might involve blasting past a boundary they didn’t realize they had, and then you assuming their body language is part of the play, only to find out after the fact that they hated the whole thing and might have even lost feelings for you because of it. And then you might still go to prison for rape, despite having no intention of doing so in the first place.
I think you’re mixing up a lack of specific consent to a specific situation and non-consent. What you’re describing sounds more like free use than CNC. They can overlap, but the venn diagram isn’t a circle.
CNC is an agreement that one partner can act as if they don’t consent or revoke it while actually still consenting. It’s something people who like to be dominated and physically submitted can enjoy without needing to take on the risks involved in finding that for real, since even people who like their boundaries pushed a bit have limits beyond which it stops being enjoyable and could even become traumatizing.
Free use is an agreement that says consent is always implied. It’s nice for those who prefer physical seduction over verbal, or who like sex to go from 0-100 faster than they can realize their partner is initiating.
They can sound similar, but where they can differ is important.
For CNC, consent can usually be revoked using a safeword. “No” doesn’t mean “no” but some other word can. It can be a good idea to have codewords for “more of this”, “stop that specific thing but not everything else”, “slow down”, “pause for a break or talk but I want to resume after”, and “just stop, we’re done”.
For free use, unless there’s a CNC agreement on top of it, “no” still means no. Consent might be implied but can still be revoked.
At their extremes, they are pretty much the same thing, but to assume someone being interested in CNC means you can randomly just do it or that free use means they can’t say no is actually closer to real rape than rape play. And whether it actually crosses the boundary has nothing to do with your intentions but everything to do with how your partner sees the act.
Don’t ever assume anything when it comes to this shit. Even if you were right in your description, your partner might still have a different idea than you do. Talk about it extensively and very specifically, especially concerning boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed during play. Go slow and ease into it. You can always have better sex later if you both decide you want more.
Some people freeze and shut down when something traumatic happens to them, so going all out from the start might involve blasting past a boundary they didn’t realize they had, and then you assuming their body language is part of the play, only to find out after the fact that they hated the whole thing and might have even lost feelings for you because of it. And then you might still go to prison for rape, despite having no intention of doing so in the first place.