What is the difference between a complaint and a statement? If theres anyone with a better set of social skills here to help a dude out lol
Ie when you’re chilling watching TV and somebody asks you to go out, but you respond with no thanks, I’m tired. Would stating you’re tired be considered a complaint?
Just had a similar action with an NT friend, who says I complain about being tired a lot. When I look back and I never bring it up unprompted, and they comment on my mood so i tell them whats up… is there some social thing which simply stating you feel negative is seen as a complaint?
Edit: thanks so much for all the comments! I should have been more specific, the examples I gave were not my actual experiences. In fact if I were to be more specific, it’s my roommate that made me think about this, and they never want to go out lol. But I can still gain some insight from the comments! But it was much more generalized. Actual interaction: we are going about our day and my roommate casually asks “hey how are ya” and I respond “a bit tired!” And they remark on how I complain about being tired a lot. Which surprised me because I was answering their question, and not getting long winded into it. Then it dawned on me maybe simply stating I feel negative is seen as a complaint by people. Iunno.
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A complaint is a statement that there is a problem.
There really are a lot of people who think it’s in general wrong/unpleasant/to be avoided, to say anything negative ever. Only positive, mood-building statements are socially acceptable. This seems to be a regional thing and quite controversial; look up “toxic positivity”.
From your description it could be your friend is in that camp but I doubt it; sounds to me more like your friend might mean something anywhere along the line from, “you say no to activities when I want you to say yes” through “I’m surprised how often you’re tired” to “you seem tired more often than is healthy; something is wrong”
Despite the specific choice of words, they could very easily just mean you “say/reply” that you are tired alot. Most people don’t use words as literally as we do, and don’t try to find the exact word to convey what they specifically mean in the instance.
Their focus is more on how consistently you are tired when they want to hang out with you, not that you are “complaining” about it.
It might be worth expanding on why and when you are tired, and what times or situations you would be less likely to be tired in/at.
NT people also will generally use “tired” as a generic excuse and not specifically mean they don’t have the physical/mental energy to enjoy that activity currently. So they might be interpreting your use of it through that lens as well.
It is pretty tough to figure out what they mean sometimes since words are only a small part of their communication, there is usually much more context to how they said it, or what they were doing with the rest of their body when they said it.
Over time, and with practice, NT people get better at communicating with us, and we get better at communicating with them. But by default there can be alot of miscommunication. And most NT people don’t like the sorts of long winded explanations we like to expound to make sure we have communicated effectively, rather than having lost something in the translation.
It might be best to ask them as casually as possible for a bit more information. Sometimes if they are in the mood for it, they will be ok with awkward exchanges like that. And if you want them to be a long-term friend, and they also want to be a long-term friend of yours, talks like that might help.
Great answers already!
Touching another point: when you hear “always” it could be literally about the frequency. Saying “I’m tired not this evening” will be perceived as a complaint when it’s the sixths night in a row for example.
The social clues are hard to spot I admit: often, “how are you” for example only has very few socially acceptable answers. That depends on your country and social environment though.
If you have a close friend within that group I recommend just asking them! Showing that you are conscious of their feedback will most likely be very well received.
I love that you’re learning and listening!
Good luck, friend :)
yeah, that’s what i was thinking. if they’re unhappy with your response, it’s likely less that you complained too much, and more that they feel you aren’t making enough of an effort to hang out with them.
if you’ve put them off a few times in a row, even with good reason, they’ll start to feel like you don’t care if you don’t go out of your way to make time for them.
Sidenote: If someone asks how I do, I tell them. In a friendly and not detailed way but thats all I can muster. If thats ok for them, great. If not, their problem.
I‘m the first person to jump if someone is in a chrisis but I cant be bothered to play these games.
Make any sense?
Yeah makes sense. I suggest though you check in on yourself with one part: “if not, their problem”
Hypothesis: If that’s the case you wouldn’t have created the OP.
This is intended purely as food for thought so - chances are high that I’m straight wrong. Still worth thinking about it in my opinion, just to be sure!
I’m not sure I understand you correctly.
I do care what others feel. But their assumptions are not my concern. Does that make clearer?
If I ask you how you feel, I want the truth, nothing else. If you want to tell me, fine. If you dont want to tell me, fine as well.
What I intended to say is that it’s possible that you do care about their assumptions - more precisely how they behave based on their assumptions.
Because if that is the case than it could be worth the energy to train social reaction patterns (if that’s possible at all, excuse my lack of knowledge!)
The more you learn about your own reactions the better you know where to spend the very limited amount of emotional energy every person has - that’s the reason why I brought it up in the first place.
To put it in another way: assumptions and feelings are very closely related and exploring this connection could be time and energy well spent.
If you have a close person who knows you well you could ask them this question by the way - at least for me it’s sometimes easier to see patterns for others than within myself!
I see. But I dont think I do. Assumptions are very rarely a good thing and I dont think I want to learn something like being less direct for some dance.
Maybe the others want to learn to be more direct and truthful.
“being tired” is a legitimate reason to not want to hang out, it is also an easy excuse with no descernable evidence. Used once it’s believable, used lots of times it starts to “feel” like a fake excuse or even a lie.
If your friend thinks you complain about being tired a lot, they are (very likely) trying to say that you’re not putting the effort into the friendship they believe they deserve out if you.
As has been said in other comments, it might help to give examples of times where you’ll be less tired. Or just invite that friend out at those times.
A friendship dies take effort from both people to maintain. Breaking your cosy sofa time is effort, but if the friend means enough to you then you will sometimes make that effort to see them.
So I’m going to answer very literally because, well, look where we are: a complaint is simply a type of statement, and it’s a necessary part of healthy communication.
If you say you’re tired, and you mean it as something you wish weren’t true, then that’s a kind of complaint.
But also, I think our society has maligned the concept of a complaint and loaded it with baggage that it doesn’t deserve. I think “stop complaining” is weaponised by people in power to prevent having to address people’s needs, because “my needs aren’t met” is a kind of complaint. It just also happens to be absolutely necessary to complain of something in order to fix the problem. This negative attitude towards complaint gets internalised by everyone to some degree.
So your friend might have some of these attitudes without understanding that they are problematic.
Also, you might be tired a lot, particularly of going out, because having to mask is a pretty big burden. If you can explain this to your friend and they can accept it, it might help you develop some kind of shorthand for the issue so you don’t feel like you have to justify it in their terms from first principles every time. Maybe you can get some help from them, maybe they can find ways to reduce the burden, like maybe they can interact with cashiers for you, or something like that, or they can simply adjust their expectations of how much or how often you want to spend time out of the house.
Asking if you want to do something, like going out, is something that takes some effort for your friend and is something they do because they want to be doing these things with you. When you reply ‘no, I’m tired’, it is a statement, but if this happens a lot, I think your friend may get a bit upset. Their effort of asking was for nothing, and they did not get to do the things that they wanted to do with you. They may not actually think you explicitly complain about being tired, but rather it is a reaction to their frustration of not getting what they want (regarding this issue) out of the friendship with you. Does that make sense?
I think some of the comments here are missing a really important point - existing in a NT world is exhausting and it’s valid and important for you to be tired and want to rest. Personally, I try to only have people around me who understand that, I see no point getting stressed about complying with “social expectations” and what someone else thinks of my needs.
(and to be clear, of curse there is room for compromise and communication, but if after explaining the other person still doesn’t get that you need more downtime and that you’re not complaining but rather stating matter of fact, and they keep taking it personally and making it about them, are they really accepting you for who you are? Isn’t that what friendship should be?)
Your roommate was probably just exchanging pleasantries, and the appropriate response would be a short, positive answer and an ask in return. Personally I think it’s dumb to ask how people are if you don’t want an honest answer, but it’s just one of those things neurotypicals say when they mean another. If it makes you uncomfortable to say you’re good when you’re not, you could just ignore the ‘how are you’ part and respond something like “hey man, how’s it going?” or “good to see you; how are you doing?”
A complaint is just a statement of something being wrong. It sounds like your friend might be concerned with your health. Being tired all the time isn’t good.
But also, are you tired? Or are you avoiding socialization because it’s too difficult? Or some other thing? Being honest with them and yourself about the real reason you don’t want to go can help.
Mmm, I am actually tired 24/7. Yes, definitely need to figure that out. But I understand enough that a casual “hey how are ya” isn’t actually asking about my day, but a passing greeting. So I try to respond accordingly, but with a dash of truth because I hate lying. APPARENTLY my assessment isn’t good enough because a negative response isn’t correct//its complaining. Whoops. Added to my notebook lol. Thanks :)
I don’t see complaining as a negative. Though that might be a problem of mine? But it IS complaining, so if someone hates people being honest but negative, I can see that being an issue.
But I complain all the time. I find it a great way to bond with some people.
I find that a good set of responses to the greeting question are approximately this: Good/Great - When that’s truthfully how well the day is going OK/Alright - When things aren’t good but aren’t distinctly bad Not Great/Could be better - When it feels like everything is going wrong
Not dishonest to the best of my perception just stripped of context that could be seen as complaints. If they ask for clarification on ‘not great’ then feel free to complain.
A complaint is a statement with an included accusation/blame.
In your example the difference would be in the reason you’re tired. If you’re tired because you did something for them (even if not obvious; e.g. beeing “forced” into social interaction etc. does count) and you therefore see the reason for your tiredness related to your friend: yep, that’s a complaint
“Nah, you already forced me i to beeing tired. I don’t want to be more tired”
If you are just tired because you had a rough day, then it’s just a statement
