I just feel like everything has hit rock bottom and it’s my fault. My entire life sucked and I guess I just want to tell someone since I got nothing to loose anymore. My life begins with abuse, my first memory was my dad beating on my mom, soon enough my next memory was my mom moving out, I don’t remember much between that but I never could of guessed he would end up winning custody, I spent the next 12 year of my life being yelled and screamed at, and hit me. I knew he loved me in some way and still does help me out but he abused me. Growing up, I never had many friends I was always treated as the weird kid and my socialization skills would suffer as I had no real sense of boundaries. When I was 14 I found out I was transgender and sudeenly for the first time in my life somethings about why I hated my body made sense, but unfortunately I would go onto the suffer many more years due to being unable to start hrt without my dads involvement. When I turned 18 I moved in with my mom, this was at first a pretty decent arrangement, I was even able to start hrt at 20, however I realized how hard it was to make friends in my home town, and my moms anxiety about driving made it hard for me to learn how to drive and than she fed into my beginners driving anxiety. it sucked but I still love her and don’t feel like it was her fault. I moved out at 22 and while I was not financially equipped I thought it was the best option at the time, I made friends all steeming from a childhood friend I had at one point. It seemed perfect and I was happy, but the truth would soon rear that I annoying everyone, people speak to me with annoyance in their voice I know people only keep me around since they don’t think I have an ideal place to go. Now I am in a house, I wish I could of held onto this, but I blew it, I can tell people are just my friend cause they don’t think I have anywhere else to go. No one has officially told me they are not my friend but there is a certain coldness. i am really concerned eventually the long convo explaining how they feel will happen. at this moment I am thinking heavy about the end. On top of all of that I still look like a man I feel like, most trans women do like not look like men and they are some the prettiest girls i know, but I do look horrible, I am genetically cursed my facial bone structure is totally awful and I won’t even feel right no matter what I do. I have been on HRT for two years and still feel this way.
spoiler
I keep thinking about just blowing my brains out, going out into the middle of no where in a rental van, (I wrecked my car a couple of months ago) and offing myself. ensuring the only ones who see me are people trained to deal with this shit daily. I know whatever company I rent from won’t care it will just be a tax writeoff, when I die. I have been trying to get up the guts to do it. I am just scared and I have no one I feel close enough to talk too, even though I have been close to crying so many times. oddly enough I can’t shed a tear while typing this it almost feel objective like I won’t ever actually do but I know I will. I am currently listening to the cyberpunk ending where V off herself, my first attempt i listened to this, I felt sad, but I am reminded unlike a fictional protainist people would not be very emotional about me dying. only my mom would feel emotional about it and I don’t know what would happen to her, it hurts but I feel like I cannot go on somedays.
sucidal thoughts/planning
I just don’t even know the person I am anymore, I look into my heart and I don’t see a way forward that seems right to me, nothing feels quite right. I just don’t know why I feel like this, so out of place all of the time.